Following

I love it, nonetheless. 

Society tells me one thing, the Church tells me the opposite.  Remember how I have no stance on homosexual marriage?  The reasoning behind this…as most of my friends know, my boyfriend knows, my favorite professor knows (I think he is one of two adults that know), that I have an attraction to women.  It scared me at first.  I cried a bit.  I was so confused.  I even read in my diary from 2007 how terrified I was.  I think I shall explain. 

I first realized this when I fell for my best friend, at the time.  We were sitting at….yes, I hate to say this…we were sitting at youth group in a circle.  Our youth minister was explaining something and my eyes danced around the room.  I looked to my side at her and thought, “Wow, she is really pretty.”  Typically, a statement like that is not uncommon among women.  However, my thought was more than nonchalant.  There was a little passion behind it—one I could not explain.  I was falling for my best friend.  Evidently, the feelings were mutual as I discovered some months later.  Things between us grew, but came to an abrupt stop when she broke my heart.  We were never official as I feared my parents’ and her parents’ reactions.  Especially with my mother being super Catholic and my dad, although not Catholic or religious at all, strongly opposes homosexuality.  Anyways, she and I are still wonderful friends.  We don’t talk for a while as she is married and has a child, but even then, we pick up right where we left off every time we talk.  I cherish our friendship.  I know for a fact that there are very subdued lingering feelings/attractions to each other.  I must add before I continue, she was my first kiss.  I dated another woman a few years after that after a failing relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  That did not work out at all.  We get along, but our personalities just don’t make sense for a relationship.  We still check up on each other to see how we’re doing.

And one more thing.  My best guy friend had a hunch that I was attracted to other women before I knew I was attracted to other women.  That was way back in 2004.

This is why I have no stance on homosexual marriage.  I know what the two sides are saying.  Both are telling me, “Isn’t it obvious?”  I hate to say that it isn’t.  But it really truly isn’t.  Not for me, at least.  I understand why it hurts to not be able to do freely as one is pleased without any type of backlash.  I understand why it seems so wrong in the eyes of many.  I know both sides in and out and you’d think that would help.  But it doesn’t.

And I’m okay with that.